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Carpe Diem

"Hey how are you doing?" "Are you happy?" "Are you enjoying every second?" Most of the time my answer is the same "Just trying to live my best life." However what does that really mean?? Am I really trying to live my best life, seize every moment and be happy or am I just faking it till I make it ....

Beep Beep Beep ... Grabbing my cellphone to turn off the alarm on my phone, I roll over and lay there for a moment. It is 4am, I lay there blinking sleep away and allow my mind and body to wake up all the while my dog is stretching in protest, not wanting to wake and start the day. Rolling out of bed I head to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, looking at the time its is 4:04 am. Pouring my cup I head out to sit down in my chair on the porch and put my shoes on to head to the barn, time now is 4:07. This is my morning routine, this is how my "Chronos time" works. Chronos is the Greek word meaning "time, a particular time, or season." It is the seconds leading to minutes, leading to hours, leading to days and so forth. It is this time that anchors us to the reality of this crazy wonderful life that we live.

However it is the second concept of time, that to me, is even more dynamic than the first. Its the moments where time seems to pause, and we are in awed by the actions or people around us. The first time my daughter looked at me and said "momma" the world felt like it came to a screeching halt around me. Looking into my daughters eyes, my time froze and I felt a part of my identity slide in to place like a key into a door lock. "This is it" I remember thinking, I am her momma and she is my daughter and we are a family. I still remember the smell of the lavender lotion on her skin and the searching gaze in her eyes as she looked at me. Its also in the moments of flight while perched over the back of a horse and their neck reaches into the jump where all noise recedes into the background as their feet hover in flight. The feeling of the wind as it whips the horses hair up into wisps around my face, and the smell of dirt, sweat and determination stops time for me in pure adulation at this feeling of weightlessness while riding.

These emotional moments are "Kairos" which is another Greek word for time, meaning "occasion, opportunity, or fitting." These are the moments that define us as we grow and evolve into the best possible versions of ourselves. I don't believe that we can become strong without sitting in those "Kairos" moments of weakness and learning how to overcome. Sitting in hospital room with my dad listening to the ventilator hum, and hearing the doctors ask me over and over again if I understood what taking him off of life support meant. Nodding and feeling the hot wet tears welling up again along side the urge to scream and run away, I stayed. I stayed even though I felt broken inside and scared, I stayed. This unbearable moment reminded me how strong I am in mind, body and spirit.

Along side the weak emotions are the beautiful, which I don't feel we can become appreciative of unless we sit in the beautiful moments and allow ourselves to become in awe of how amazing life is. Watching the first time my daughter looked at a mountain range out of an airplane window, as she reached for my hand and whispered wow under her breath. Witnessing her amazement at our gorgeous planet reminded me to appreciate the world through her innocent eyes. Sitting with my daughter as we watch the miracle of life as one of our broodmare gave birth. Hearing her audible gasp as baby broke the sack and took her first breath caused my breath to catch. These are the moments that help remind me of the many blessings I have been given, though at times they are hidden from my view in those hard "Kairos" moments.

Lets revisit the questions ... How are you doing? Are you happy? Are you enjoying every second of your life. The real answer is my life is hard. Sometimes I can honestly say no, Im not happy. Some days I can't even find 15 minutes in a row where something hasnt gone wrong. However maybe ... just maybe at the end of the day I am " living my best life." Though "Chronos" time marches on by every second of every minute of every hour of every day, I feel that if I can have at least one "Kairos" moment a day then, maybe ... just maybe this really is my best life.

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